October, 2002

Disclaimer:Not mine but such fun to play with. All characters belong to David Dortort and Bonanza Ventures.I returned them in pristine condition.

She stood in the middle of the great room, a wailing baby in her arms and despair in her heart.  Inadequate, she thought.  I believed all women knew how to be mothers, but me, I don’t understand babies at all.Marie looked at the squirming bundle in her arms, her darlingson, Joseph Francis, and wondered how something so wanted, so desired, could be so LOUD, so very frustrating.She remembered the previous time, that short, sweet time before she lost her first baby, before they came to her with the news that he had died.There had been a nursemaid then, a colored girl who brought her the baby each time he was to be nursed and who had changed his wet diapers.There had been a maid to help her refresh herself and do her hair so that she was presentable.Then the news and…

Non, I won’t remember that time.That was before and this is now.

Shaking her unkempt head, Marie gazed again at the crying child in her arms.He had a white bonnet protecting his curly head and he was clean, clad in a cambric gown that she had hand-stitched as she waited for his arrival.One skill she had learned from the Sisters was to embroider and sew well.Her baby had an exquisite wardrobe she had prepared for him.She had always been sure it was a boy, even when Ben had hoped for a daughter.

Though she had spent 7 days in bed following the birth, Marie was exhausted.Mrs. Larson had been the midwife and had stayed with the family while Marie rested at doctor’s orders.Paul Martin had recommended several days beyond the usual recuperation period because of the difficult delivery and because of the two-story house.Marie was not supposed to climb the stairs too many times in one day.Marie had appreciated Mrs. Larson and all that she had done, but she had been anxious to have the full care of her son.After all, those first days he loved to eat; then he would fall fast asleep and Mrs. Larson or Ben would put him in the cradle next to the bed.There was always enough time for her to freshen up or take a short nap before he woke for his next feeding.He was such a good baby.

Now, after 8 days of caring of him alone, she was ready to pull her hair out.It seemed that he never slept more than a few minutes before he was awake and fussing. Even if he was not actually fussing,he was active and wiggly and not easy to hold.Three times this afternoon, Marie thought, three times I have gone to the bedroom to nurse him and each time, he feeds for just a minute, then refuses to eat and starts crying.I know he has to be sleepy, but he refuses to drop off.My breasts are too sore for him just to suck. What am I to do?

Glancing out the window at the sun’s position in the sky, she decided it must be time for her older sons to be home from school.Communal education was a new experience for both boys, as it was the first time a “real” school was within riding distance since Ben had settled on the Ponderosa.At 12, Adam had learned most of his lessons from his father and from the books he managed to locate and read constantly and repeatedly.Now, he was loving every minute of the advanced instruction he was receiving.At 6, Hoss was just starting his formal education, but Adam had already worked with him on his letters and numbers, so the little boy was certainly ahead of other children his age. Homecoming already and she had gotten absolutely nothing done today, not even cookies for a snack.In the few minutes she had seen Hoss yesterday, she had promised him his favorite gingerbread cookies and now she had not kept that promise.

“Mama!”The door banged open and Hoss rushed in, fine blond hair flying and sky blue eyes filled with delight.“Mama, did you make me my cookies today?Hey, Little Joe, why yer screaming?” his high-pitched voice continued. “Why’s he so mad, Mama?”Dropping the few books in his book strap to the floor, Hoss raced to Marie’s side and tried to see his brother better.

Lifting the baby higher to keep him away from Hoss’s seeking fingers, she met Adam’s eyes as he entered the house and closed the door quietly.There was a flash of scorn and perhaps hurt in the dark eyes, before Adam lowered them and restrained Hoss’s eager hands.

“Hoss, wait a minute.She’ll let you see the baby in a few minutes, but right now, he’s upset.Why don’t we go and see if there’s cookies and milk for your snack?” As Adam moved the little boy away from her, kitchen door opened and Hop Sing appeared with a plate of cookies held high.

“Hoss, come and tly cookies. Hop Sing make you favolite kind.”

Hoss willingly followed Hop Sing into the kitchen as Marie blurted out, “Oh, no!I promised Hoss to make him cookies and Hop Sing wound up doingit.I can’t get anything done.”

Adam looked at her briefly.“You don’t really think Hoss cares who made the cookies, do you?It just matters that he got them.”

Marie shared an amused look with him and acknowledged his observation with a grin.Watching her step-son’s eyes grow dull, she remembered what she had done to hurt his feelings.Adam’s hesitant voice added to her guilt as he reassured her, “Hoss won’t hurt Joe, Marie.He just wants to see his brother.”

There it was again,” Marie.”Ben had wanted both boys to call her Mama or Ma, but Adam had flatly refused.For a long time, she had been called “ma’am” or nothing. Finally, she had offered the compromise of her first name and Ben had reluctantly agreed, saying it was not good manners. Still, it was better than nothing.

Marie’s memory flashed back to the boys’ introduction to their new sibling.Dr. Martin had departed after sharing a congratulatory drink with Ben, while Mrs. Larson had tidied both her and the baby.Joseph was sleeping in the cradle beside her bed and she had been leaning tiredly against the pillows, wanting to see the excitement of the older boys.Ben had come in with them and Hoss had run over to her bed immediately for a hug and kiss.“Mama, Pa says you got a big surprise for us.Where is it?What you got for us?”

Then he noticed the cradle by the bed and the tiny baby sleeping there. Hoss’s blue eyes had widened and his hands had reached out to touch thesoft brown hair gently. “Mama?”he had asked, and she had smiled happily at him.

Hoss, I want you and Adam to meet your baby brother, Joseph Francis Cartwright.”Ben’s voice had been low, but full of pride.“Joseph for my father and Francis for Mama’ s.What do you think, boys?”

Hoss had eagerly peered at the sleeping child, but Adam had looked anxiously at Marie and asked, “Are you all right, Marie?”The concern in his voice had warmed her and she remembered that his own mother had died at his birth.Naturally, he would be aware of possible dangers to women, as adult as he was for the age of 12.Her nod and happy smile had reassured him about her well-being. 

Hoss had interrupted, “He shore is a little thing. We goin’ ta call him Joe?Even Joe sounds too big for somethin’ so small.Think I’m goin’a call him Little Joe.You like that name, Little Joe.I’m goin’ta be a real good big brother to you. Goin’ta take good care of you like Adam does of me.”Ben had pulled Hoss onto his knee so he could watch the baby better, and Adam stepped close to the cradle too, so he could check out the new arrival. 

Joe had started making the snuffing noises of waking and then the forlorn mew of the newborn as he works up a full head of steam.Because Ben was holding Hoss, Adamhad reached to lift Joe from the cradle. They all were shocked as Marie cried, “ No, leave him alone.I ‘ll get him.Don’t touch him!” With some difficulty she had lifted her son into her arms and began to soothe him, ignoring the shocked looks on their faces.

Marie had looked up to see pain and disbelief in Adam’s dark eyes, and sherealized that her instinctive reaction had undone all the patient care and understanding she had fosteredsince her arrival as Ben’s new wife.Adam at 11 had not welcomed a female into the house, though Hoss at 5 had been delighted to have a mother.Marie had worked hard to overcome Adam’s resentment and distrust and they had been making real progress until that very moment.

Now Marie remembered with shame her reaction to Adam’s attempt to touch the newborn.She remembered another incident later the same day.She had almost been asleep and Ben had been sitting beside her and Joseph in a chair, just watching them.There had been a light tap at the door and Ben had gone quietly to open it.“You wanted to see me, Pa,” she had heard Adam whisper.

“Son, I wanted to explain something to you about how Mama, I mean Marie, talked to you earlier.”Marie had not wanted to face his husband’s disappointment or Adam’s hurt, so she had pretended to be asleep.“ Marie had a baby with her first husband, but the baby died.She is so afraid that something will happen to Joe that she doesn’t want anyone to handle him or help much with him.I’m sure she didn’t meanto sound like she didn’t trust you, but, well, she…”

Adam’s hesitant voice had interrupted, “Pa, I guess I can see why she might be scared, but she sure is setting a hard row to hoe if she isn’t goin’ to let any of us help with Joe.I remember how…” and the voices had faded away as her feigned sleep became real.

Now she looked at Adam, standing there, trying to assure her that nobody was going to hurt her baby and she knew how badly she had distressed her oldest son.“Adam, I know Hoss isn’t trying to harm Joseph.Right now, Idon’t know how to stop the cryinglong enough to even let him see the baby.”She felt Adam’s eyes surveyher and knew he could tell she had not had time to wash her face or even comb her hair that day because of the baby.She felt slovenly and worn completely out. How am Ito manage a baby and a household?

Adam turned toward the kitchen, muttering,“Be right back. Let me checkon Hoss.”The wailing continued.Marie collapsed on the settee andtried to soothe Joseph by rocking him back and forth.

Adam returned with something in his hand.It was a piece of white cambric, with something small and round in the middle and a knot after the round object. The end was wet, so apparently it had been dipped into a liquid. 

“Miz Taylor, she was the lady who helped when Ma had Hoss,” Adam began with a defiant look as he mentioned the only mother he remembered.“She gave Ma one like this and called it a “foo - foo”, a phony fist.She told Ma new babies couldn’t find or keep their fingers or thumbs in their mouthswhen they was really small and needed something to suck to go to sleep. You dip the end into sugar water so the babywill like the taste.She told Ma that later Hoss would decide about sucking his thumb but that a foo foo would help right at first.So, we used one with Hoss until he could find his thumb.”

“Adam, I do not wish Joseph to suck his thumb,” Marie declared.“It is not a polite thing for a child to do.”

“Marie, he’s not a child, he’s a baby.Hoss stopped using his thumb when he was about three, old enough to be able to do lots of other stuff.He just got too old and stopped.If Joe doesn’t stop by then, there is nasty tasting stuff you can put on the tip and he’ll hate it.Miz Lindstrum, you know, the lady with 6 children.Hoss and I stayed with them part of the time while Pa was in New Orleans,” Adam cast a slightly resentful look at Marie.“Anyway, Susan must have been about 3 and I saw Miz. Lindstrum put that stuff on her thumb.It only took a couple of tastes before she gave up the habit for good.

Marie found herself wishing for a mother to give her guidance and advice.She had never been around babies, had spent most of her girlhood in the convent school deemed appropriate for a girl of her background.Here she was, listening to advice from a 12-year-old boy and actually considering it.

Even as he talked, Adam took Joseph from her arms.She noticed with a bit of resentment that he handled her son with more ease and assurance than she did.It was obvious that Adam had held lots of babies or maybe just held Hoss many times. NO matter what, he was cradling Joseph gently and putting that foo foo thing in her son’s mouth and HE was liking it.As she watched, the baby gummed the object a time or two, then latched on with all his strength.She found herself wincing as if he had latched onto her own sore breast, then relaxed as she watched the green eyes of her youngest flutter several times, then close in sleep.Quiet, real quiet, existed for the first time in what seemed like days.Joseph was asleep in his big brother’s arms.

Adam walked to a corner of the room, pulled a crude, well-used rocker out with one hand, and moved it toward the fireplace.It wasn’t cold in the room, but it was more comfortable nearer the heat.He sat down and rocked the baby, looking up at Marie.

“Miz Taylor also told Ma that a new mother with good sense took a nap every time the baby napped.It was the only way to keep up with the demands.Why don’t you go grab some shut eye.I got Joe and he’s sound asleep.”

Marie opened her mouth to voice an objection and found she was too tired to protest. She climbed the steps slowly, praying all the way, “Please stay asleep, please stay asleep.”Entering the bedroom, she glanced at the bowl of cold water that had been meant for her morning toiletry, but she was so exhausted that she sank down on the side of the bed.Almost immediately, she heard a soft rap on the door and at her startled “Entrez”, Hop Sing entered, carrying a basin and a pitcher of warm water. 

“Mist’ Adam say bring Miz. Cartllight warm water to fresh up.O. K?” and his head bobbed respectfully.Marie realized again that Adam was accorded the title of Mist’ Adam, and she and Ben were Mist’ and Miz Cartllight to Hop Sing.She wondered if it was Adam’s age, his position as First Son, or his own natural dignity that earned him a title. No matter, the water would make it possible for her to freshen up and she was grateful for Adam’s thoughtfulness.Once more, she marveled at how considerate he could be.

She washed her face, hands, and upper torso, then cleaned her teeth.Oh, that feels so much better!Then she loosed the few pins in her hair and brushed it about 30 strokes or so. She knew she was supposed to brush it100 strokes a night, but right now she had reached her limit.Still, it felt better, with the kinks and knots gone and she piled it carefully on the top of her head, using two of her pretty combs to hold it.For the first time in 8 days, she felt respectable.Tired, but respectable in appearance, at least once she had put on a fresh overblouse. The one she wore was stained with spit-up milk, and had the sweet-sour smell of baby feedings.

Perhaps she should go down and checkthe baby, but all was still silent there.Certainly, she would hear him if he awoke and needed her.Right now she was so tired.She would lie down just for a few minutes, not for long.

She lifted her head and looked at the clock on the dresser.It was beautiful, with an ornate casing that reflected its French origin and she wound it carefully every three days.Right now, it couldn’t be right.Surely she had not slept for two hours, but the approaching dark seen through the bedroom windows convinced her that she had really fallen asleep.Joseph!What about her baby? The absence of crying from below indicated that he still must be asleep.She guessed Adam had been right about his needing something to suck.She should get up and check on the baby and on dinner.Besides, she wanted to remind the boys about their chores and to start their homework..Not that Adam actually required a reminder, but it made her feel like a mother to monitor their activities. Wonder if Adam resents my assuming he won’t do the job without nagging.It was a fleeting thought.

At the foot of the stairs, she looked at the rocking chair, which now sat still and empty.Adam and Hoss were at the dining room table, with books and paper spread in front of them.Where is Joe? Glancing at the floor in front of the fireplace, she found him sleeping on the folded quilt from the staircase.She had to admit he looked like a frog, with his legs curled up beneath him and his face almost resting on his hands.The foo foo lay beside his mouth, dropped as he went soundly asleep.

Babies sleep in beds with parents or in cradles, not on the floor, was her first thought.Then she looked at tall, slender Adam, who had been brought across the country as a baby by Ben and at sturdy, happy Hoss, who had traveled in a wagon train with his brother and father. Later both had lived in a simple log cabin, sharing a room and bed, before Ben and Adam hadbuilt this house.She was willing to bet both her other sons had slept on many a floor.“What would Madam Taylor say about a baby sleeping on the floor, Adam?” she inquired with an amused look.

Adam grinned shyly.“She would say ‘sleeping is sleeping, no matter where’, and she’d be right.Wasn’t any need to bring him upstairs while you were taking a nap and risk disturbing you.He’s fine, right here.”

Hoss beamed with pride and informed her,“Mama, me and Adam done our chores and are ‘most finished with our homework.Didn’t we do good?”

“Certain, you have done well, my boys.You have also taken very good care of your little brother.I am very proud of you.”

The door opened and Ben Cartwright strode in, his face and hair still wet from where he had washed up outside.Three faces turned to his and three voices all warned “Sh, sh”, with fingers at lips.He looked around quickly for the baby and finally spotted him on the floor.

“Thought you wanted him in his cradle, love, “ he teased.

Archly, she replied, “Sleeping is sleeping.It may take me awhile, but I do learn.”

Ben gazed at his wife.It was the first time since Joe’s birth that she had seemed to be both tidy and relaxed.For the past 8 days, she had been a frantic wreck, trying to take care of a crying baby and refusing all help. He was not sure what had made the difference, but he was not foolish enough to comment.Instead, he drew her into his arms and kissed her lightly, “You look lovely tonight, Mrs. Cartwright.” 

Heavens, if just combing my hair, washing my face and putting on a clean blouse can make that much of a difference, I must have been a wreck before.

She smiled and returned the hug, thanking him with her eyes.Then she noticed that Hop Sing was ready to serve dinner and glanced at the sleeping baby.All of them wondered if they might just have a meal together for the first time in those long 8 days.Marie had eaten cold food when she could find a minute and the rest of the family had eaten without her, seeing her only briefly as she tried to pacify her squalling son.

The boys hastily put away their books and Ben drew out Marie’s chair.They all bowed their heads as Ben offered grace.“Lord, we give thanks for the food we have, for the family we love and for the friends we treasure.Thanks be to You for all. Amen.”Hop Sing brought the first plate of food, a huge beefsteak covered with gravy to go on the mashed potatoes already on the table. The smell of the perfectly roasted meat was enough to make mouths water.Just as he put the platter on the table, Joe awoke with a startled yelp.Adam tried to put the foo foo back in his mouth.The wailing infant let them all know that he wasn’t fooled this time; he was ready for his meal.

Before Marie could move, Ben had picked up the baby.It was obvious that he was quite wet, so Ben took him into the kitchen to clean him up and put him in fresh clothing.Marie served Hoss’s plate and put some food on hers.Perhaps she could still get a few delicious mouthfuls before retiring to the bedroom to feed her insistent son.

Ben brought a dry little boy back to his mother and Marie tried to soothe him by cradling him on her shoulder.He smacked his rosebud mouth, waved his arms and exercised his lungs by screaming.With a sigh, Marie started to get up.

Hoss stopped eating to watch Joe’s movements and innocently asked, “Why don’t you feed him at the table like MizLindstrum does? She says she wouldn’t never git to eat or see the family ifen she didn’t feed the baby wherever she wuz.”

Marie’s eyes narrowed.A lady did not feed a baby where anyone other than her husband or a servant could see.Did she?  She looked at the table with its array of hot food.She looked at her husband and at Hoss.Where was Adam?

Then Adam was standing by her, holding a drying clothand a pillow, the pillow she used for comfort when she nursed Joseph in the rocking chair in their bedroom.She recognized the suggestion immediately. Cover herself with the cloth and put Joe on the pillow to suckle at the table, in front of … her family.This is not New Orleans. Perhaps the rules for a lady are different here.

She allowed Adam to slip the pillow beneath Joe so that he rested in a comfortable position for nursing.He then tucked the towel end into her collar so that the front of her blouse was covered and so was the baby.She laid her cheek briefly against the back of his hand and whispered “Merci, mon fils.”Adam smiled at her, the smile that showed his dimples and reflected in his eyes, the one she had driven out days ago, and moved back to his seat.

She adjusted her blouse under the towel, so that Joseph could eat.As always, he latched on immediately and began that sweet tug at her breast.She closed her eyes briefly, in pleasure, then opened them to look at Hoss, who was eating with the same pleasure as her youngest.Ben had cut her food into bite-sized portions and she picked up her fork. Oh, the food looks and smells delicious.I am starving.

She viewed the table, full of good food and her family, eating with gusto and waiting for her to begin the conversation. This is real life, where you do what you have to do to make things work. I don’t have time to worry about the proper way. 

“So, Hoss, tell us about your day in school.What did you learn today?”